Words are powerful tools. We use them to convey our meaning, and using a word correctly means that what we intend to convey is, in fact, communicated to the other party. Here, I have taken a number of words and phrases that are often used in connection with child sexual abuse, and provided an explanation of what I intend to convey when I use them.
Trauma
The word “trauma” is over-used almost to the point of being worn out. This over-use of the word has diluted its meaning and reduced it to a short-hand for any upsetting life event. It is also used as a “comical” expression for any bothersome matter that occurs in a person’s life. For those of us who have suffered actual trauma, this reduction can be offensive.
Professor Judith Herman, a pioneer in the field of trauma, defines it in the following way:
“Unlike commonplace misfortunes, traumatic events generally involve threats to life or bodily integrity, or a close personal encounter with violence and death. They confront human beings with the extremities of helplessness and terror, and evoke the responses of catastrophe.”
When I talk, and write, about trauma, I hold Prof. Herman’s definition in mind. Trauma is so profound that if affects the mind, body, and soul of the victim. Indeed, as we are learning, trauma can even affect our descendants.
Recovery
People often ask me if I think recovery from sexual violence is possible. My truthful answer is
“No. At least, not completely.”
Recovery has two broad meanings – the first is to regain health after illness or injury, and the second is to get back something that was lost or taken. For abused people, we are seeking to recover the parts of ourselves that were damaged, or taken, when we were abused. Many of us feel that means returning to who we were before the abuse took place. Sadly, we are not always sure who that person was. We are not entirely sure what there is to recover. The trauma of child sexual abuse, in particular, is so profound – the shock to the psyche so severe – that I do not believe a full recovery is possible.
In my memoir, I explain it this way:
“I carried the indelible thumbprint of all that horror, all that terror, all that fear, all that painful traumatic awfulness into my adulthood. It will never go away. I have learnt to accept that it will never disappear. I have learnt that there are bits of me that are broken and will forever be broken. And I’m okay with that. Instead of spending endless hours and expending endless amounts of energy trying to fix something that cannot be fixed, I have found tremendous relief in acknowledging that what is broken is beyond repair, and being content to leave it broken. In that respect, I liken myself to an amputee who has spent years trying to re-grow a missing leg before finally acknowledging that the leg is gone, and will never grow back, but that it is possible to live a life with just one leg. A period of adjustment is required and there are certain things that simply cannot be done with just one leg. But that’s okay, because the rest of the body is in perfect condition.”
I do, however, believe that it is possible to live a full, fulfilling, and rewarding, life post-trauma.
Child Sexual Abuse
There is no universally accepted definition of child sexual abuse.
I define it as any sexual activity – contact, or non-contact – that involves a child and sexual organs; their own, or any one else’s. This includes exposing a child to pornographic material, or images of child sexual abuse. A child is any person considered a minor in the jurisdiction where the abuse takes place.
Paedophile
Strictly speaking, a paedophile is a person who is sexually attracted to children, and only, or primarily, to children. Most people who sexually abuse children are not paedophiles – they are people who will abuse children of all ages, adolescents, and grown women / men. Children are victims of sexual violence more frequently than adults because they are easier to manipulate, groom, and take advantage of.
Grooming
Grooming refers to the actions or behaviors used to establish an emotional connection with a child, with the intention of lowering their inhibitions and leaving them vulnerable to sexual abuse. Grooming can occur in person, online, or through other means of communication. In instances where the abuser is not a member of the child’s immediate family, grooming can also include establishing an apparently convivial relationship with (adult) members of the child’s family.
Trauma Bonding
A lot of people assume that “trauma bonding” refers to bonding with people who are being traumatised by the same person. In fact, trauma bonding refers to the establishment of an emotional bond with the person who is abusing you. This is often seen when the abuser is a parent. It is similar to what used to be called “Stockholm Syndrome”. Trauma bonding is, in and of itself, a source of distress for victims of abuse.
Victim
When I use the word “victim”, I do so quite deliberately. It is my belief that those of us who are sexually – or otherwise – abused, are victims. We may not stay victims, and certainly when we manage to move into our recovery stage, we may feel and act less like victims. Some days, we may feel like victors. As recovery is not linear, however, we must be prepared – like someone playing Snakes & Ladders – to slither down a every now and again and end up in a place we were previously.
Monster
The word “monster” is often used to describe people who commit acts of sexual violence. Every time I hear, or read, it in this context, I wince.
You see, I do not believe that people who commit acts of sexual violence are monsters. I accept that they commit monstrous acts, but that does not make them monsters. To identify people as monsters renders them “other”. It intimates that the people who sexually violate others cannot possibly be the men we know. They cannot be our brothers, our fathers, our cousins, our friends, our boyfriends, or our husbands – because our menfolk aren’t monsters, are they? Except, of course, when they are.