The Winter Olympics are here!! Yaay!! Well, if you like sport, and winter sports in particular, I suppose it is a bit of a “Yaay” moment for you. I am very happy to confess that I wouldn’t know one end of a ski from another if you smacked me across the face with it.
HOWEVER something I know rather a lot about is men’s violence against women, men’s entitlement to women – women’s labour, women’s bodies, women’s emotions, women’s money etc. etc. etc. I also know rather a lot about rape culture and how accepted norms and behaviours in our cultures support and normalise this entitlement.
Philip O’Connor, is currently covering the Olympics for Reuters and a piece he wrote brought this next sceal to my attention.
A 28 year old Norweigian chappie called Sturla Holm Lægreid won a bronze medal for his excellent at some wintery Olympicy sporty thing. And he was caught on camera, crying. He revealed to a Norwegian media person that he was crying not out of pride – at having won bronze – or disappointment, because he hadn’t won gold. Rather, his tears were attributable to the fact that his ex-girlfriend wasn’t there with him.
Yes, his EX girlfriend. He addressed the issue in English at a press conference later that day. The gist of it is that six months ago, he met a woman and they started dating, or going out, or whatever the young people call it these days. Three months into their six-month relationship, he cheated on her. I don’t know if that was a one time thing, or if he was seeing someone else regularly behind her back, or what. But I don’t need to know. It’s none of my business.
It took him until last week to “confess” to his now-ex-girlfriend that he had strayed. I do wonder if he decided to “come clean” because the other woman in this lust triangle broke up with him; or threatened to tell the woman he now refers to as his ex-girlfriend. Or maybe his now-ex-girlfriend discovered his betrayal; or had her suspicisions, and confrinted him. I don’t know. But I have my suspicions.
Anyway, let me tell you why this story has piqued my interest, and why I’m relating it back to rape culture. Which I absolutely am.
Let’s go back a second and let me explain what I mean rape culture.
Rape culture is an environment where men’s perpetration of sexual violence against women is prevalent, normalized, and excused in the media and popular culture, and in society.
Now – let me tell you how I’m joining all those dots…..This is what Sturla said at the press conference:
“Today I made the choice to tell the world what I did so maybe, maybe there’s a chance that she will show, she will see what she really means to me. And maybe not, but I don’t wanna think I didn’t try everything to get her back.”
I have seen this referred to as “brave”. I seen our friend Sturla lauded for being in touch with his emotions. I have read comments on social media where people have said that if this doesn’t get her back, nothing will. Sturla is being admired for his grand gesture. And that’s exactly what I have a problem with. Do you know who – (in)famously make grand gestures? Narcissists. Abusive men. Men who refuse to take “no” for an answer. Men who prop up, and are propped up by, rape culture.
Let’s unpack his comments:
“Today I made the choice to tell the world what I did…”
This is not a contrite man acknowledging his mistakes.
This is a man making a unilateral decision about a relationship that he is no longer part of because he has been dismissed from it. A woman dared to make a decision that he does not like, so he’s calling her out for that – on arguably the biggest platform available to an athlete. He did not end this relationship, she did and he’s not okay with that.
Note the language “I made the choice.”
He doesn’t care if his choice embarrasses her. He doesn’t care that he has violated her privacy. Because, although he doesn’t name the woman, he ties her to a very specific timeline, so anyone who knows him, and anyone who knows her, AND anyone who has seen them at sporting or social events, knows who she is.
He doesn’t care that he has declared to the world that she is a woman whose boyfriend cheated on her. She may not have wanted the world to know that fact.
He is determined to control the narrative.
He continues….
“…so maybe, maybe there’s a chance that she will see what she really means to me.”
Here, he’s saying that appealing to her in private hasn’t worked, so he’s decided to weaponsie his white man tears, and use his privileged access to global media, to shame a woman into doing what he wants her to do. He’s 28, so he’s been on this planet long enough to know that societies pressure a woman to stay with, or return to, a man who says he is sorry. Not a man who acts contrite, but a man who says he is. He knows that tears in a woman are viewed as weak, but tears from a man are viewed as vulnerable, honest, and worthy of great respect. He’s showing how manipulative he is. He is attempting to use global media in order to shame a woman who ended their relationship because his infidelity was unacceptable to her, and he’s not okay with that.
He finishes this little speech with:
“And maybe not, but I don’t wanna think I didn’t try everything to get her back.”
Awwww, bless. What we have here is a man who really wants his ex back. Actually, no. What we have here is a man who won’t take “no” for an answer.
What we have here is a man whose girlfriend broke up with him because she found his behaviour unacceptable and who refuses to accept her decision.
What we have here is a man who doesn’t care how his actions might impact on his ex-girlfriend.
What we have here is a man who believes that he has every right to do whatever he can to turn a woman’s “no” into a “yes” because that’s what he wants.
What we have here is a man who has been raised in a society that tells him that – as a man – he is entitled to have his wishes granted.
What we have here is a man who does not believe that he should take “no” for an answer.
What we have here is a man who feels extremely entitled to the time and energy of a woman who does not want to give it to him.
What we have here is a man who feels entitled to access to woman who does not want to grant him access.
What we have here is a man who fucked around and found out and doesn’t like what he found out.
What we have here is a man who – rather than a girlfriend – needs a therapist.
