About a month ago, I posted on Twitter using the ‘Me Too’ and ‘Maternity Care’ hashtags. Quite a few people got in touch to say that they found the advice I offered useful. A number of women contacted me privately to say that they found my tweets validating and reassuring. A few fathers also sent me messages to let me know that they witnessed the mothers of their children experiencing issues around their treatment and they realised, having read my tweets, that these reactions and issues were directly related to the abuse they had suffered as children.
In the hopes that these words will reach – and help – more people, I’m posting them here, as well.
- Sexual abuse is endemic. Treat ALL women as survivors until they tell you otherwise. Err on the side of caution.
- Continuity of care is best for women in order to build trust. We are extra vulnerable when pregnant, birthing, and in the peri-natal period.
- Before labour, ask if we have special requests for during labour – places not to touch, words not to use, etc.
- Call us by our names. Not ‘Love’ or ‘Sweetheart’. Abusers rarely use our names. Don’t diminish our personhood.
- Never, ever use the phrase ‘good girl’. We’re not girls. We’re women. Most of us were abused by people who used the phrase ‘good girl’ while they were abusing us.
- Don’t use nursery / childish language around us. That can be triggering.
- Don’t tell us to do something, eg ‘pop up on the bed’. Ask if we’d like to – explain why.
- Accept ‘no’ as an answer – don’t try and cajole or persuade us to turn our ‘no’ to a ‘yes’.
- Never tell us you’re going to do something. Ask permission. Our bodies belong to us, even when we’re birthing.
- Never perform a VE unless it’s necessary (hint: it’s *never* necessary.
- Be aware that our physiological responses may be different. EG we often pause dilation at about 4cms. Don’t rush with interventions because we are taking ‘too long’. Trust us. Trust our bodies.
- After birth, breastfeeding – no matter how much we want to – may be extremely triggering. Have compassion.
I offer workshops based on trauma-informed care to birth workers, based on my own experiences, and my academic research, (and the fact that I was Ireland’s first practicing doula!). If you’d like details, please get in touch.